In loving memory

For the better half of two weeks I have been trying to write this post... I have had no words though - I've been at a total loss for what to say because everything's changed since my last post. I am not the same person anymore; how can I be after all that's happened in the period of two months, and still I am at a loss for words - so should this come out terribly, do forgive me.

First there was the flood- my entire house covered in mud and gunk, my carpet trashed and my backyard a dam. A car floated into my yard - a tube past my door and everything was in shambles - edenvale is a complete mess and so was my house.

Then there came the damages to my car - R53 000.00 worth of damages from the floods - my car floated into my wall and with that came the insurance rigmarole - Okay, the insurance wasn't so much the problem as the repairers. The panelbeaters that my car was assigned to didn't realise that my car was there so a week after authorisation went through I had to call them only to be asked when I would like to bring my car in (it's  been there for a week asshole!).

Then my world came crumbling down, I got a call on the Wednesday night, my gran's had a heart attack (turns out it was actually a stroke), she was taken to hospital and I was told she was stable for the time being. Thursday night hit and my uncle phoned - my gran had passed. Nothing and no one can fix the pain felt during this time - god I miss you. I went to the funeral in Durban and I wish I could say it was beautiful but you deserved so much more (both in life and death). I am only thankful that you are no longer suffering.

Returned home after a weekend, test results had come back for my grandfather (he was admitted to hospital about 2 weeks before my gran in Durban) he has stage 4 cancer in his lungs.

I say again, I am at a loss for words.

I will pick myself back up though - that's not a maybe, it will happen and with the help of my loving boyfriend and my always faithful friends and family it will go quicker than usual - I'm just not sure which way to go right now. I cry at inappropriate times and I've noticed that my head to mouth filter has gone on vacay.

I go on holiday tomorrow and maybe then things will get easier, maybe then I can sleep easy but until then I really can't say whats going on in my head right now. One day and one step at a time I'll begin to be myself again but having lost such a big part of me, I'm not sure how I'll accomplish that.

In loving memory of Susara Johanna Catharina Eksteen - you will forever be missed.

Clarity

For the first time in months I am seeing everything clearly. It's like I've had an epiphany and I'm noticing everything at once. I've been drifting through this year in full belief that I was fine, that I was alright and that I didn't need my meds - I was so wrong, I feel like I am a part of the world again and that I can take it and anything anyone would like to throw my way. For the first time in months I feel strong again.

I started feeling this way on saturday, I was able to understand what I was being told without over thinking and believing that everyone was out to get me. I can now disagree with people without the need to defend my beliefs and show you why I must be right. I honestly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders - and even though I am only a few days into my meds, I can feel them working already - I am not numb, I am not on autopilot, I love fully and understand deeply and I feel okay again.

This post is mainly for the non-believers, for those people who disagree with the path I have chosen to follow and those who misunderstand my reasoning behind my meds. I have a disease, an illness (I am depressive) but with the use of my medication I can be that person who people know and love - without it, I become a horrible person. I will continue to monitor myself of course as this is only my initial
positive reaction but thus far I feel like I can breathe again, I am okay and I will ensure I remain okay.

Here I am again....

I feel like I've taken a step backwards, last night I took my first anti-depressant again. For the last few weeks I've been feeling myself slipping backwards and I haven't done or said anything about it because I was too afraid to admit that I'm not okay.

I will probably have to start my anti-anxieties again soon too but I'm trying like anything to old on to the fact that I'm not overcome by anxiety again. I know myself though and I don't like who I become when I'm in my state - I'm angry, I'm lashing out and I'm overreacting to the littler things in life again. I am unmotivated, I can't seem to find the motivation needed to do my work, or get up in the mornings. I hate getting up, I hate being this person and I suppose by default I really don't like myself.

If I had to describe who I am, I'm extremely happy, happy as they come, then someone says something to set me off and I hit a rage in 2.5 seconds - then I'll be down, I'll be so unhappy and I won't know why, but something will happen and I'll hit either rage or extreme happiness again in less time than it takes for a normal person to realize
the mood they are in. There is no in between with me lately and I need to find a balance or it will get out of control again.

I am not this person, I refuse to be, so I've taken a step - one I know I needed to take for my and my loved ones' sanity. This also means that I am now numb though, I am anxiety stricken because as my body adjusts it causes anxiety, and I am tired - very very tired.

I've been putting off writing a new post for some time because I had nothing really to day - well here it is, I have had something to say, I just didn't want to hear it. I begin to question if I will ever be okay, I suppose only time will tell.

I'm okay - I don't need you.

Its funny how you can wake up in such a good mood, the morning will go smoothly and then one thing happens and you are floored, done, finished. I can't catch my breath and I can feel I'm on the brink of a full blown panic attack and all I want to do is crawl into a little ball, sob my eyes out and have the world swallow me whole so that none of this pain and nostalgia can be felt,

I feel numb yet at the same time I'm feeling every emotion I felt growing up . I'm out of breath like I've been running, like I held my breath for too long and like I've got the flu. Everything aches, my entire body is tired, my heart is beating up a storm and I'm so close to tears I can taste the sorrow I'm feeling. I'm keeping myself from going further, so I've got that going for me - I can stop my full scale panic attack - I just need to control the rest of me now.

Why are you in my head? Why can I not just get through a day without you in my head? I'm fatigued all the damn time because I'm fighting you off - I'm fighting off my memories of you and I'm fighting you all the time. Why can I not let go???

I need to forgive you, for my own sanity and for the sake of those around me... but (and I suppose this is exactly why I can't let go, because there is always a but) if I forgive you, I'm afraid I forget the pain you put me through and try, like an idiot, to fix things again and I cannot do that to myself.

I just need to not be so angry at you all the time - I continue to work on my happiness and my freedom from you and who you are.

The lump in my throat grows with every passing second making it harder and harder for me to breath but I can hold it there, I can and will keep myself from breaking all together, no matter the pain, no matter the thoughts - I can not let you control me any longer, you may not have that power any longer. You may not be a part f my life and I will not try to involve you in it anymore - I don't need you.

I'm tired now, emotionally drained and all I really want to do is to take a nap but alas I am at work.

I'm okay - I don't need you.

Biologically a Father - Realistically a Donor

I'm not sure why, but you've been on my mind a lot lately - yes I'm talking directly to you today. I hate this feeling that you fill me up with - I hate that you are such a useless father and I hate that I'm thinking about you. I have grown so much since you last bothered to check in, by the way I'm still alive and I'm still doing alright regardless of where you are or what you're doing.

I wish I could get you out of my head, everytime I think I'm okay without you, there you are in my thoughts - I'm thinking about you, dreaming about you and worst of all I'm missing you more than anything. I'm not sure how this is even possible to be quite honest, how can I miss someone who has really never been there for me. How do I miss that which I have never really  known?

I really wish you weren't such an asshole, I wish I could have an actual father daughter relationship with you and that you knew what it was to love someone other than yourself. I never want to be like you are - I've said this before, I know, but I really never want to put my future children through the same torment that you have put me through. I will be the kind of mother that my mom was, I will be strong, reliable and loving.

I really haven't lost anything with you, there was never anything to lose. I have a wonderful mother and I don't need more than that because my mom (although I know you disagree - because you're a pig) is the most amazing, awesome (in the true sense of the word) woman that's ever lived. You may have tried to break the both of us, but what you did only brought us closer together and really, thank you for that.

The 'What did I do?' Question...

Being who I am, I spend a lot of time in my head. I overthink just about everything I do, say and feel and then some; but this doesn't stop with me, I overthink anything anyone else has said, done or made me feel and I analyse it to a point where a compliment is no longer recognisable under my scrutiny (why did he say I look pretty today but not yesterday?). Because with me, a word isn't just a word - it's always an attack, a compliment has to mean something more than I'm pretty.

So when I am told I've done something wrong I relook at everything I may have said, everything that may have been taken as more than a joke and I turn that on myself to try and see how I would have reacted, 9 out of 10 times, if I really think about it, I was in the wrong and probably would have reacted way differently to what the other person did. My question to myself is though, how do I stop this? I obviously can't just say what I please and expect the world to be fine and dandy with my 'jokes' so how do  curb myself from making those same mistakes over and over again?

I could say that I could monitor what I say more diligently but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep to that, I know that I would end up becoming more of a reserved person than I've ever been and I really don't want to do that. I've asked certain people to call me out on it when I do end up stepping over the line but when these people do, do this, I end up lashing out at them or even pushing away. Later (either the same day after I've given it some thought or maybe a few days/weeks/months) I will inevitably end up going back with my tail between my legs and talking it out like a grown ass person.

It often feels like I'm alone in this, logically I know it's not true because there have to be other people out there trying to figure out where they go wrong in their day to day lives - *HINT, if you're asking yourself a lot, 'Why is my friend/lover/partner pissed at me?, then you are more than likely in the same boat as I am and if I ever do come up with a solution that doesn't make me want to just jump off the world, I'll let you know.

Depression is Hard Work

Having depression, it makes it hard for me to differentiate between the day to day bad moods and the overall horrible feeling that sits on my chest when I'm going through a particularly dark patch of my life, because what people need to understand is, it's not just a feeling of sadness that suddenly engulfs you one morning - it's a gradual bad mood that creeps up on you day by day until you are drowning and so far in that you are not sure how to get yourself out... you are screaming for help but no one seems to hear you and if you admit to these feelings you're sure people will just tell you to grow a pair. 

In fact you are telling yourself to grow a pair the entire way through this horrible ordeal that self hate ends up creeping in and making itself at home too and by the time you realise how far in you are, most people have already given up and walked away because they couldn't take the constant bad mood and general discomfort you brought about with your mere presence. 

I hated that phase of my life, I hated myself and I hated who I was to the person I was with and to absolutely everyone around me. I despised it so much that I vowed I would never go back there (knowing full well that there probably will come a time where I will be so demotivated to do anything and my Uni marks would drop again and people around me would suffer). 

These days I monitor myself so diligently for any signs of that miserable woman I was before - and it is absolutely exhausting - I watch my bad moods, I check how long they last and make sure that i don't take it out on anyone else. I watch my weepy moments and make sure I don't unpack in that dark place I was before. I am determined to be as happy as I can even though I can't guarantee any of this will help, I give my absolute everything because I'll be damned if my depression is gonna stand in the way of anyone who gives a damn about me. I tirelessly work at being a better person because it will all be worth it when I see I have not hurt anyone at the end of the day. I want to be wanted in people's company and not be a wet blanket people are forced to invite along because I used to be someone they could talk to.

I still have my weepy days where everything is just too damn much for me to take, when the world seems to be collapsing around me - but those are the days I work hardest at convincing myself that I am okay, that I will be fine and that I need to just unpack for a while before I continue on this uphill battle called life. 

At least this is my experience...

Here's to You, You Strong Amazing Woman....

It's a little ridiculous how one person can rock your world so completely that you forget how to breathe without them there, and then when they leave, it's like you're gone too, your whole heart was invested in that one person and they took it upon themselves to decide that you were not worth the effort, that you didn't deserve happiness and that you were not worth their time, effort and love.

It's crazy how this one person is the world to you and you have yet to find out that you aren't even a flower petal in theirs. I bring this up because my best friend is still hurting from the damage caused by one person, the one person that was meant to keep her safe and happy and make her feel like she is an entire universe all on her own. He took it upon himself to manipulate and emotionally abuse this beautiful, extraordinary woman and for that I will never forgive him - he picked a rose and proceeded to pluck every petal until there was nothing left for him to tarnish and then what does he do? Drops the stem of course and off he goes free as a bird and happy as they come.

The thing about roses though, they are beautiful regardless of what someone else has taken from them. My friend, it absolutely kills me that you are in this much pain and there's little to nothing I can do about it but I can promise that it really does get better. I promise you, one day, you will feel better again, you will love again and this time, beware the man that tries to break you - because not only will we take them down, but you will be strong enough to show them that you really actually don't need them and your life and they on't deserve even one of your tears.

It does get better, you are amazing, you are stunning and you will get through this but until that time, my shoulders are yours to cry on whenever and for as long as you need.

I love you

Anxious Minds Unite!

I've been stuck with a bit of writer's block over the past few days and quite honestly I've been so busy I've not been able to post anything. I've had the best weekend, I spent time with my friends, with my new boyfriend (and yes I hate the word more than I should but honestly it sounds so juvenile), I even went to the plot and spent some time with my mom - it really has been a great few days; then why do I feel like utter crap this morning?

I've been riddled with anxiety and just an overall bad mood since I got up and I can't seem to figure out why and how to get out of it. I tried reasoning that he had snapped at me this morning when we woke up but honestly am I that sensitive and if I am can I really look at myself in the mirror with a straight face and not call myself an idiot? After pondering about it just about the whole morning I know that it can't be that, I know that he didn't mean to snap at me and that I'm quite honestly being a 'ninny'.

My best guess is that this is the cause of a bit of overspending this weekend and the fact that my car officially went in for it's 90 000km service today. I don't like sitting without a car and I much less like the feeling that I may have to pay for something (even though I have a service plan). I'm hoping that the real reason hits me during the day and that I can then deal with the obvious anxiety that I'm feeling towards it. It could be about the family drama that's unfolding slowly but surely, but yet again I can't be sure.

Thing is I'm coming up with reasons for my angst but I'm not feeling like anyone of them is the true cause - I suppose I do just have my 'off' days and I have to deal with them as they hit. I do remember waking up last night with a full on panic attack and being able to calm myself down so it definitely has nothing to do with anything that happened this morning - quite possibly it's the fact that I''m officially in a relationship again - I'm scared I lose sight of myself and everything I've worked towards. This guy makes me happier than I've been in a really long time, I suppose I just have my own relationship issues to work on - I've never been all that good when I've been with someone and this is obviously just a branch of me fearing for it's safety.

That is definitely the reason actually, the moment I started typing I felt the weight lift off my chest. I feel like I can breath again. Having him in my life is really so fantastic - I just need to keep in mind who I am and what I want without pushing someone that means so much to me away. Keep repeating the mantra 'Don't be retarded Desre'...

Anyway I generally use these posts to help others and to try and motivate and I apologise that that's not the case today, today I needed to be a bit selfish and sort out my emotions and what was going on in my own head - this will actually quite possibly explain things about me to people that are close to me though so I think in a way it may have helped someone other than me...

Thank you

Scaredy cat?

I've realised today that I'm scared, scared to fall in love, scared to get hurt, scared to let go and jump into something with someone. I am afraid of ending up like I was before - alone and broken. I feel like the moment I hand myself over to someone again as completely as I did with my ex, I'll just wind up getting dropped like before.

My last break up shook me, I was at a point in my life where I was unhappy with who I was so I tried everything in my power to push everyone who came marginally close to me, as far away as possible. I succeeded with the one person who had the ability to make me feel worse than I ever had before, this (I know) was my own doing and it absolutely killed me. I liked to believe that I was not in love with him, that I had the upper hand and that at that point nothing could touch me - I was very much in a selfish space. A year ago I was a completely different person. A year ago I was a horrible person.

I like to think that I've learnt from my mistakes, I am now completely healed and I will be a better person in my next relationship, but what scares the hell out of me - what really gets me running for the hills - maybe I haven't... maybe even after all this soul searching and countless hours of therapy, after being ripped apart and stitching up my wounds without any anesthetic, what if I'm just the same as I always have been in a relationship?

I can only hope that by taking things slowly and moving one step at a time, not pulling a Usain Bolt, I can catch myself before I revert back to that part of myself - fix it before I completely ruin myself for good. The only certainty I do have, is the knowledge that there are people out there that will help me back up, dust me off and show me that there truly is some good in this world and for that I love you guys.

Living With My Anxiety...

I've noticed that I always end up feeling a little awkward, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing or how comfortable I am with the people I'm with - there's always that little part of me inside telling me that I'm missing the point of a joke or worse yet that I am the butt of the joke. This I can generally chalk up to my anxiety issues but sometimes I can't seem to shrug it off and I don't know why. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and I've always felt like the world is against me for some obscure reason.

I'm sure there are other people out there that constantly feel singled out, like the entire world has turned to look at you because 'Have I really just said that?' but even with an estimated 7.4 billion people on the planet, when these feelings strike, you feel completely alone and you've got to separate what you are feeling (what's going on only inside your head) from what is actual reality and therein really lies the tricky part, because how do you really connect with people when you brain is constantly telling you that your best friend's are talking about you behind your back or that your mom really loves your brothers more than you and that nobody actually cares what you think so why are you even bothering.

It's been a tricky situation for me to navigate through in my life and I've only recently realised that this is actually something I can control rather than something I just have to live with - I noticed that if I step back, take a deep breath and try to convince myself to be okay in reality rather than living with an ill version of myself in my head because when I do that I feel like I can see a little more clearly than before and the feeling, while still there is a little more faded than before.

I'm not sure if this would work for everyone but I know it works for me and hell if it makes me feel at least that tiny bit better, maybe it could for anyone else going through the same emotional turmoil I do when this arises.

To those people out there who have to deal with people like me on a daily basis, be a little gentler on us please - we find it difficult enough to say what we want without feeling like complete idiots and when we are teased to the extent that you would tease anyone else, I feel like it just hurts that little bit more (or this has been my experience). To those people who deal with me and make me feel welcome and normal even when I feel like my mind is ripping me to pieces, just... Thank you for being as amazing and tolerating as you are - maybe this post helps you understand a little more of what I'm feeling.

What's a little step further?

Its funny how our lives can change by a flap of a butterfly's wings (or something equally gentle); one moment you are on the highway of life driving 120km/h and all the other cars around you are going the same way, everything seems fine and dandy and then next moment the cars have all turned around and now you're dodging everything that's coming your way (and holy shit is that a truck...), and of course in that same way everything can flip in your favour too and the moment the truck is about to hit you, it's gone and you're the one in the fast lane looking like a fool breaking as hard as you possibly can.

If I had to look at my life over the past two years, thats exactly whats been happening to me... one moment I thought I was happy and safe in my relationship and the next we were broken up, I had to fix a broken car, give back my brother's car, move house and make sure I was keeping it together all at the same time. Then of course we get all settled in, I get a handle on my depression, I get a new car... then life decides that its has actually been too chilled lately and goes WELL BOOM and my mom loses her job, then its moving house back closer to work, trying to make ends meet, losing a pet and stressing over whether my mom is okay on the plot because while I know she technically has company - we were basically best friends and now she hasn't got me there to talk to anymore and I miss her more and more daily.

Life is nowhere near like a box of chocolates in my eyes because sure you never know what you are gonna get Forrest, but at least the good trumps the bad regardless of which chocolate you get, life is very much more like driving through Van Reenens... it could be sunny... it could be raining... hell it could be freaking snowing through Van Reenens while the rest of South africa has a nice hot day.

I know that I'll triumph over anything life can throw at me though, I know that much because I have been tested so many times and everytime I have come out stronger and better for it, just know that, if you are going through a tough time and you aren't sure how the hell you are going to start seeing the light again, you always will get through it - hell you've come this far, what's a little step further?

To those who came into my life and never left.

I am reminded today of how much I have gone through, how much I have endured to get to where I am today. The amount of bullshit that I have put up with over the years... I cannot believe that I got through all of that (marginally) unscathed. I have been fortunate enough to have crossed paths with some unforgettable people who have helped me so much, whether it was driving me around when I didn't have any mode of transportation, or simply giving me advice when I didn't know I needed it most.

I survived my childhood and that was simply thanks to one of the most amazing women I know. I survived a horrid company that worked everyday to break me down and show me that I am not the person I have lived my life believing I was - this I can't say I did on my own, the key people know who they are and I'm better for knowing these people. I survived a break up that I was sure would break me for good but yet again thanks to people in my life at the time, I managed to beat my depression and realise that a bigger problem was at play.

Basically I'm saying don't let anyone tell you that there are no good people out there, they are, I am fortunate to call these people family whether blood related or by the mere fact that they will one day be my children's godparents. Never take these good people for granted because regardless of who they are and what they mean to you, taking a purely good person for granted, will determine your own success or failure.

Self Realisation

In growing and bettering myself, I am starting to see the need to appreciate my own company. I get far too lonely far too quickly and in all technicality this should not be the case, I should be able to spend time alone without feeling the need to pick up my phone and invite someone over - take this weekend for example, I will have to spend the entire weekend alone because my friends are out of town but deep down I know that from the moment I get home on Friday I will be 1. missing the hell out of them and 2. craving some sort of human connection.

This is a very strange feeling for me, before I moved in with my ex I was able to spend weeks alone holed up in my apartment with nothing but my books and my laptop for company, a person would swear I've lost myself in this whole game they call relationships. But maybe that's the thing, maybe I have lost who I was and it's for a good reason, I was not in a good space in that time - I was not a happy person and whenever I was around people I was not very nice to them.

Am I alone in this? Am I the only person that can't stand spending a night alone? And is this really so wrong? I strive to find these answers and I really come up blank. I tend to consider myself a marginally intelligent person so the fact that this is stumping me, is slightly worrying.

I crave an emotional, intellectual and physical connection with someone - I miss the feeling of the beginning of a relationship, I miss the excitement of not knowing what's to come and I definitely miss waking up next to someone everyday but what I don't miss is the monotony. I don't like the comfort zone couples get into when they have been together for some time. Hell if our relationship has started off with sparks flying and passionate kisses then lets continue that well into our relationship, why must we stop flirting simply because we've been together for over 3 months (or whatever the case may be).

I may be asking a lot here but, am I really? To keep fire and fun alive in a relationship, is that too much hard work? I know I am guilty too but isn't this what self realisation is all about - figuring out what you don't want and not settling for anything less than what it is you do. Call me egotistical but I want a hot guy that looks after himself, I look after myself and I'm working on getting hot (which by the way I'm also okay with in a partner).

This post took a turn and I ended up just speaking my mind but i'm okay with that =P

Not Pain, But Joy

When I think of you, I think of your infectious smile, I think of your 'swagger' and the way you could strut into any place and make everyone feel so special simply because you chose to speak them (me). When I think of you I think of your laugh, it had this ability to make everyone else laugh, not because it was a particularly funny chuckle but simply because it was so infectious. When I think of you, I think not of the pain you've caused but rather the joy you left.

You could always make a bad day good with little to no effort, which is why when you left, I didn't quite remember how to turn my own days around, so there were endless phone calls between two countries, one heart calling out to one already taken. When you speak to me lately it brightens up an entire day but then leaves that sad nostalgic feeling in the pit of my stomach like there's something missing in my life - you're what's missing by the way, I know this. I have been asked why I still do this to myself, why I still speak to you, it's simple really : I would rather have you in my life as an amazing friend as nothing at all. You cannot help that you don't feel the way I do and I can't help that I do; so put quite simply - I don't want you to not be a part of my life even if that means that every fibre of my being aches afterwards.

I am so glad that you are happy, you seem to be living the dream that side of the world,, you have always made everything seem so effortless, so easy to do and so hard to mess up on - then again you do have 17 years on me, haha 17 years more experience, wisdom and skill.

You, my friend, are one in a million - and quite frankly - I am not sure how I would carry on if I could not have you in my life, even just as a mate.

Four Years Of You

It's been four years...

Four solid years that I have been in love with you - crazy right? It's been 2 years since I completely lost you, since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. You didn't know what you'd done at the time and you probably thought I was being a tad over dramatic when I sobbed when you left but I like to think that you know now what you've put me through - intentional or not I was a casualty in your flight to a better life. 

I still clearly remember the day we went on my first date (I call it my first date because I see now that you could never have been as invested as I was from the get go). I remember your face when I told you my age and I remember choking on my drink when I found out yours. There's an age gap of 17 years and it never once bothered me, in fact it intrigued me - that someone your age could be so young at heart. You charmed me with your deep voice and the way you spoke about your life and enchanted me with your awesome smile. I could find no fault in anything you did or said.

You were perfect, in every way, you were awesome to me. Even now as I sit here and think about all the water under the bridge, having seen that you were born with imperfections and you weren't some alien life form that came down and perfected being human.... I am still madly deeply and utterly in love with all of you. I don't care about the imperfections and I certainly don't care whether you're fit or not. You were perfect for me (or so I thought).

I hope to find someone like you one day - someone who can make me giddy with joy and make me forget that there are any bad things in the world. I also hope to see you again and I hope I am able to be your friend, because talking to you while you're in another country over WhatsApp is quite different to seeing you stand in front of me with this woman who is not me.

I hope that you will someday read this... and come to see that I truly did love you, in ways unimaginable. 

An Open Letter To The Ex

The only way I can think of to say this is, I miss you, I miss you so completely that I don't miss you at all. I miss the idea of knowing that someone always has my back through thick and thin. I miss the fact that when we were together I was never alone and I didn't have a second to think about what I was doing or saying. I miss the caring for you and the watching that you're okay - I really miss taking care of you.

I miss you so much yet I know I will never be able to be with you again. I don't understand why you lied so many times and I don't understand why I sunk back into my depressive state when I was with you, the only thing I do know is that I miss being someone's girl - so technically I know I just miss the thought of having you in my life. We were really such good friends once upon a time and then we ruined it by getting it complicated and now... now I'm not sure why I can't move on from you and I don't think we could ever fully be friends again, all that water under the bridge, all the lies and all the history, I can't think of a worse idea; but I suppose I can't think of a better idea either considering you know all my dark spots and I yours.... I will never try to get you back and will never pose a threat to the women in your life , I am not that person - I will probably never really like them or get to know them (I'm sure it will hurt me too much).

I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you and I'm not sure what I think it will bring me but I do know that I just needed to put it out there, I think for closure and all that jazz. I do know that I have to go back on my meds and concentrate on staying afloat in this see of madness I call my life... I will get there though, One day at a time - I will rise again... even after all that I've been dealt.

Regards
Me...

I Choose Happiness

Today I will try write about something happy, (even though when I wrote that line I lost all inspiration to actually write) the world is filled with bad people, bad things those people do, bad energy, terrible happening and horrific events. Finding something positive in life is a must, though some days might be harder than others - I'm sure if I put my mind to it I can do it, I can write about beaming positivity and silver linings.

Positive point numero uno, I have a mom who loves me and cares for me - she does everything in her power to make her kids happy and to keep them that way, even on the days where it feels like I have nothing left and I have no one to turn to, I have my mom. I love you mom.

Secondly, I have friends in my life who can make me laugh no matter what we have been through or are going through. Hell after Des and I were in the accident, Lu picked us up (from ladysmith - he was at the Dam) drove us alll the way back where Lu's mom made us lie on the floor with our feet in the air - Des and I had so many pain killers in our systems though that we lied there laughing our asses off  at what had literally happened a few hours ago... That's tru friendship and honestly guys even though I probably say it too little, I love you guys and I am always here through the good and the bad - you guys are absolutely fantastico :D

Third one, I work for an amazing company that knows what it's employees are worth and treats them as such. No matter how much I think I mess up, I'm told that I do a fantastic job and they don't want me to go anywhere.

I think that's enough positivity for one day (lets get real no one likes a person who's unreasonably optimistic).

I'm out!

The Ability to Survive

I love it when people ask me if I'll be able to get by... Like, no but I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it won't I? I am a stronger person than most actually see, I protect my flame and inner strength until I absolutely need to let is shine through. It is only in difficult times or when I'm under pressure that people can see me for who I really am. I'm not that little kid you used to know, in fact I've grown into a strong, independent and resourceful woman.

Sure moving is going to be tough and yes there will be times when I won't want to get out of bed but what the hell else CAN I do? I have to get up every morning, I have to make sure I am fed, I have to make sure I can go to work because I need to stay alive; and if you think about it that is our main goal as humans isn't it? Staying alive and reproducing... I can't say I will reproduce any time soon but I do know that I will and I can survive... Hell I've gotten by before and I can do it again. 

The reason I can't stand it when someone says that they are incapable of doing something that they realistically have ingrained in them from birth, is because I have seen people in cushy lives and comfortable positions lose it all and have to work from scratch to get back up there. Material things mean absolutely nothing and in a world where people find it ok to test the resilience of animals and to steal from the person they claimed to be so in love with for a year, all you need is yourself and all you need to do is keep yourself afloat. There is no survival guide and unfortunately it's going to be a little like when it's so dark and your eyes haven't adjusted so you just feel around and hope to hell you don't trip and fall on your face... even so you get back up and try again. 

I'm not unrealistic and I know many people have their hardships and their load to carry and yes it is tough but if 17 others can do it, so can you, and so can I... The funny thing about this whole situation is, I can't even blame myself this time, because that's my fall back - if I can't blame anyone else, I blame me and I call myself all sorts of silly things like 'naíve' or 'stupid' or I berate myself for doing this to me and how could I. This is sort of cool actually, all of the stress with none of the blame on my family or me...  

Anyway, I do think I've left enough sarcasm here today to cover my quota for a year so I suppose I should continue to work and see how that turns out for me.

Mental Capacity for More

I'm a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a mother to my fur kids and an aunt....

This sums me up right? You would think that with all these labels I would be able to tell you with certainty who I am and what I want, but the sad sorry truth is - personally, I don't think I will ever know who I am and if I can actually stick with something till its finished.

I am studying to be a teacher, battling depressing, often anxiety and I'm trying to be nice to people at the same time. I am constantly stressed out - I'm not sure whats going on around me because I'm stressing about 16 other things at once. I have my friends and my family but mostly I end up pushing them away because I have my own things to worry about or I'm too ashamed to be seen for the weak person that I truly am - so I come across as obnoxious and disrespectful (which really is not much better).

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore, I'm not sure who I am and it's driving me mental. I feel like I'm always chasing my tail, never knowing which way to go and the only person I can be nice to is my best friend. I wake up in the morning feeling like I've been hit by a bus, like it's everyone else's fault that I have to get up and be at work by 6:30.

Some days are better than others - today is one of the more horrible days even though I'm off to write an exam in an hour (although this might be the reason for my spiral today). Tomorrow I might find brightness in the world yet again and maybe it will be better - but honestly for now, I just want to go home and be alone on my bed in the dark where no one can see me and where I can be alone.

Sincerely 
This person who might actually ruin your day (not on purpose)

I'm Back - I think

Wow so it's been absolutely forever since I've been on here and posted anything worthy of reading, in fact I'd forgotten all about it until someone mentioned that they'd visited this page (thank you for that by the way). 

A lot has happened, a lot has changed but I think the most important change is that I am studying now (FINALLY happy dance inserted here) and that I'm a completely different person to what I was then, I've been hurt and gotten over it and then hurt again and that when I realised all the changes that i as a person needed to make.  I needed to realise what I was doing to other people and not just what they were doing to hurt me because (as I've come to realise in my journey) what they were doing might have just been a retaliation of my actions and of my behaviour. 

I'm on antidepressants and I was on anti anxiety medication (note past tense YAY me) and I've come to understand that I was a very unhappy and angry person in my day to day life and without realising or knowing, I was projecting this unhappiness onto everyone I came into contact with, for instance I completely pushed my ex away even though we were living together, I was under the impression that he was doing everything to hurt me; meanwhile I was subconsciously sabotaging my own happiness and in a way making him very unhappy too - I'm not saying that he didn't have his faults, I know he did and there were plenty- I am mainly acknowledging that I needed to change.

Some days are still very rough and I find it difficult to get through without becoming a murderous cow and then some days are magnificent, I go to boxing and I finish assignments and I feel like a thousand bucks (well the literal form on that would be uber awkward) I suppose it's just the level of endorphins that I've produced on a particular day.

I'm alright now though, even though I'm living with my mom on a plot 60kms from work (changed employers by the way EXCITEMENT) I know that nothings going to take me down - I am too strong for that.