15 Sep 2016

I'm okay - I don't need you.

Its funny how you can wake up in such a good mood, the morning will go smoothly and then one thing happens and you are floored, done, finished. I can't catch my breath and I can feel I'm on the brink of a full blown panic attack and all I want to do is crawl into a little ball, sob my eyes out and have the world swallow me whole so that none of this pain and nostalgia can be felt,

I feel numb yet at the same time I'm feeling every emotion I felt growing up . I'm out of breath like I've been running, like I held my breath for too long and like I've got the flu. Everything aches, my entire body is tired, my heart is beating up a storm and I'm so close to tears I can taste the sorrow I'm feeling. I'm keeping myself from going further, so I've got that going for me - I can stop my full scale panic attack - I just need to control the rest of me now.

Why are you in my head? Why can I not just get through a day without you in my head? I'm fatigued all the damn time because I'm fighting you off - I'm fighting off my memories of you and I'm fighting you all the time. Why can I not let go???

I need to forgive you, for my own sanity and for the sake of those around me... but (and I suppose this is exactly why I can't let go, because there is always a but) if I forgive you, I'm afraid I forget the pain you put me through and try, like an idiot, to fix things again and I cannot do that to myself.

I just need to not be so angry at you all the time - I continue to work on my happiness and my freedom from you and who you are.

The lump in my throat grows with every passing second making it harder and harder for me to breath but I can hold it there, I can and will keep myself from breaking all together, no matter the pain, no matter the thoughts - I can not let you control me any longer, you may not have that power any longer. You may not be a part f my life and I will not try to involve you in it anymore - I don't need you.

I'm tired now, emotionally drained and all I really want to do is to take a nap but alas I am at work.

I'm okay - I don't need you.