23 Sep 2016

Here I am again....

I feel like I've taken a step backwards, last night I took my first anti-depressant again. For the last few weeks I've been feeling myself slipping backwards and I haven't done or said anything about it because I was too afraid to admit that I'm not okay.

I will probably have to start my anti-anxieties again soon too but I'm trying like anything to old on to the fact that I'm not overcome by anxiety again. I know myself though and I don't like who I become when I'm in my state - I'm angry, I'm lashing out and I'm overreacting to the littler things in life again. I am unmotivated, I can't seem to find the motivation needed to do my work, or get up in the mornings. I hate getting up, I hate being this person and I suppose by default I really don't like myself.

If I had to describe who I am, I'm extremely happy, happy as they come, then someone says something to set me off and I hit a rage in 2.5 seconds - then I'll be down, I'll be so unhappy and I won't know why, but something will happen and I'll hit either rage or extreme happiness again in less time than it takes for a normal person to realize
the mood they are in. There is no in between with me lately and I need to find a balance or it will get out of control again.

I am not this person, I refuse to be, so I've taken a step - one I know I needed to take for my and my loved ones' sanity. This also means that I am now numb though, I am anxiety stricken because as my body adjusts it causes anxiety, and I am tired - very very tired.

I've been putting off writing a new post for some time because I had nothing really to day - well here it is, I have had something to say, I just didn't want to hear it. I begin to question if I will ever be okay, I suppose only time will tell.