7 Sep 2016

The 'What did I do?' Question...

Being who I am, I spend a lot of time in my head. I overthink just about everything I do, say and feel and then some; but this doesn't stop with me, I overthink anything anyone else has said, done or made me feel and I analyse it to a point where a compliment is no longer recognisable under my scrutiny (why did he say I look pretty today but not yesterday?). Because with me, a word isn't just a word - it's always an attack, a compliment has to mean something more than I'm pretty.

So when I am told I've done something wrong I relook at everything I may have said, everything that may have been taken as more than a joke and I turn that on myself to try and see how I would have reacted, 9 out of 10 times, if I really think about it, I was in the wrong and probably would have reacted way differently to what the other person did. My question to myself is though, how do I stop this? I obviously can't just say what I please and expect the world to be fine and dandy with my 'jokes' so how do  curb myself from making those same mistakes over and over again?

I could say that I could monitor what I say more diligently but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep to that, I know that I would end up becoming more of a reserved person than I've ever been and I really don't want to do that. I've asked certain people to call me out on it when I do end up stepping over the line but when these people do, do this, I end up lashing out at them or even pushing away. Later (either the same day after I've given it some thought or maybe a few days/weeks/months) I will inevitably end up going back with my tail between my legs and talking it out like a grown ass person.

It often feels like I'm alone in this, logically I know it's not true because there have to be other people out there trying to figure out where they go wrong in their day to day lives - *HINT, if you're asking yourself a lot, 'Why is my friend/lover/partner pissed at me?, then you are more than likely in the same boat as I am and if I ever do come up with a solution that doesn't make me want to just jump off the world, I'll let you know.