5 Sep 2016

Depression is Hard Work

Having depression, it makes it hard for me to differentiate between the day to day bad moods and the overall horrible feeling that sits on my chest when I'm going through a particularly dark patch of my life, because what people need to understand is, it's not just a feeling of sadness that suddenly engulfs you one morning - it's a gradual bad mood that creeps up on you day by day until you are drowning and so far in that you are not sure how to get yourself out... you are screaming for help but no one seems to hear you and if you admit to these feelings you're sure people will just tell you to grow a pair. 

In fact you are telling yourself to grow a pair the entire way through this horrible ordeal that self hate ends up creeping in and making itself at home too and by the time you realise how far in you are, most people have already given up and walked away because they couldn't take the constant bad mood and general discomfort you brought about with your mere presence. 

I hated that phase of my life, I hated myself and I hated who I was to the person I was with and to absolutely everyone around me. I despised it so much that I vowed I would never go back there (knowing full well that there probably will come a time where I will be so demotivated to do anything and my Uni marks would drop again and people around me would suffer). 

These days I monitor myself so diligently for any signs of that miserable woman I was before - and it is absolutely exhausting - I watch my bad moods, I check how long they last and make sure that i don't take it out on anyone else. I watch my weepy moments and make sure I don't unpack in that dark place I was before. I am determined to be as happy as I can even though I can't guarantee any of this will help, I give my absolute everything because I'll be damned if my depression is gonna stand in the way of anyone who gives a damn about me. I tirelessly work at being a better person because it will all be worth it when I see I have not hurt anyone at the end of the day. I want to be wanted in people's company and not be a wet blanket people are forced to invite along because I used to be someone they could talk to.

I still have my weepy days where everything is just too damn much for me to take, when the world seems to be collapsing around me - but those are the days I work hardest at convincing myself that I am okay, that I will be fine and that I need to just unpack for a while before I continue on this uphill battle called life. 

At least this is my experience...