Four Years Of You

It's been four years...

Four solid years that I have been in love with you - crazy right? It's been 2 years since I completely lost you, since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. You didn't know what you'd done at the time and you probably thought I was being a tad over dramatic when I sobbed when you left but I like to think that you know now what you've put me through - intentional or not I was a casualty in your flight to a better life. 

I still clearly remember the day we went on my first date (I call it my first date because I see now that you could never have been as invested as I was from the get go). I remember your face when I told you my age and I remember choking on my drink when I found out yours. There's an age gap of 17 years and it never once bothered me, in fact it intrigued me - that someone your age could be so young at heart. You charmed me with your deep voice and the way you spoke about your life and enchanted me with your awesome smile. I could find no fault in anything you did or said.

You were perfect, in every way, you were awesome to me. Even now as I sit here and think about all the water under the bridge, having seen that you were born with imperfections and you weren't some alien life form that came down and perfected being human.... I am still madly deeply and utterly in love with all of you. I don't care about the imperfections and I certainly don't care whether you're fit or not. You were perfect for me (or so I thought).

I hope to find someone like you one day - someone who can make me giddy with joy and make me forget that there are any bad things in the world. I also hope to see you again and I hope I am able to be your friend, because talking to you while you're in another country over WhatsApp is quite different to seeing you stand in front of me with this woman who is not me.

I hope that you will someday read this... and come to see that I truly did love you, in ways unimaginable. 

An Open Letter To The Ex

The only way I can think of to say this is, I miss you, I miss you so completely that I don't miss you at all. I miss the idea of knowing that someone always has my back through thick and thin. I miss the fact that when we were together I was never alone and I didn't have a second to think about what I was doing or saying. I miss the caring for you and the watching that you're okay - I really miss taking care of you.

I miss you so much yet I know I will never be able to be with you again. I don't understand why you lied so many times and I don't understand why I sunk back into my depressive state when I was with you, the only thing I do know is that I miss being someone's girl - so technically I know I just miss the thought of having you in my life. We were really such good friends once upon a time and then we ruined it by getting it complicated and now... now I'm not sure why I can't move on from you and I don't think we could ever fully be friends again, all that water under the bridge, all the lies and all the history, I can't think of a worse idea; but I suppose I can't think of a better idea either considering you know all my dark spots and I yours.... I will never try to get you back and will never pose a threat to the women in your life , I am not that person - I will probably never really like them or get to know them (I'm sure it will hurt me too much).

I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you and I'm not sure what I think it will bring me but I do know that I just needed to put it out there, I think for closure and all that jazz. I do know that I have to go back on my meds and concentrate on staying afloat in this see of madness I call my life... I will get there though, One day at a time - I will rise again... even after all that I've been dealt.

Regards
Me...