The only way I can think of to say this is, I miss you, I miss you so completely that I don't miss you at all. I miss the idea of knowing that someone always has my back through thick and thin. I miss the fact that when we were together I was never alone and I didn't have a second to think about what I was doing or saying. I miss the caring for you and the watching that you're okay - I really miss taking care of you.
I miss you so much yet I know I will never be able to be with you again. I don't understand why you lied so many times and I don't understand why I sunk back into my depressive state when I was with you, the only thing I do know is that I miss being someone's girl - so technically I know I just miss the thought of having you in my life. We were really such good friends once upon a time and then we ruined it by getting it complicated and now... now I'm not sure why I can't move on from you and I don't think we could ever fully be friends again, all that water under the bridge, all the lies and all the history, I can't think of a worse idea; but I suppose I can't think of a better idea either considering you know all my dark spots and I yours.... I will never try to get you back and will never pose a threat to the women in your life , I am not that person - I will probably never really like them or get to know them (I'm sure it will hurt me too much).
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to you and I'm not sure what I think it will bring me but I do know that I just needed to put it out there, I think for closure and all that jazz. I do know that I have to go back on my meds and concentrate on staying afloat in this see of madness I call my life... I will get there though, One day at a time - I will rise again... even after all that I've been dealt.