22 Aug 2016

Living With My Anxiety...

I've noticed that I always end up feeling a little awkward, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing or how comfortable I am with the people I'm with - there's always that little part of me inside telling me that I'm missing the point of a joke or worse yet that I am the butt of the joke. This I can generally chalk up to my anxiety issues but sometimes I can't seem to shrug it off and I don't know why. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and I've always felt like the world is against me for some obscure reason.

I'm sure there are other people out there that constantly feel singled out, like the entire world has turned to look at you because 'Have I really just said that?' but even with an estimated 7.4 billion people on the planet, when these feelings strike, you feel completely alone and you've got to separate what you are feeling (what's going on only inside your head) from what is actual reality and therein really lies the tricky part, because how do you really connect with people when you brain is constantly telling you that your best friend's are talking about you behind your back or that your mom really loves your brothers more than you and that nobody actually cares what you think so why are you even bothering.

It's been a tricky situation for me to navigate through in my life and I've only recently realised that this is actually something I can control rather than something I just have to live with - I noticed that if I step back, take a deep breath and try to convince myself to be okay in reality rather than living with an ill version of myself in my head because when I do that I feel like I can see a little more clearly than before and the feeling, while still there is a little more faded than before.

I'm not sure if this would work for everyone but I know it works for me and hell if it makes me feel at least that tiny bit better, maybe it could for anyone else going through the same emotional turmoil I do when this arises.

To those people out there who have to deal with people like me on a daily basis, be a little gentler on us please - we find it difficult enough to say what we want without feeling like complete idiots and when we are teased to the extent that you would tease anyone else, I feel like it just hurts that little bit more (or this has been my experience). To those people who deal with me and make me feel welcome and normal even when I feel like my mind is ripping me to pieces, just... Thank you for being as amazing and tolerating as you are - maybe this post helps you understand a little more of what I'm feeling.