I've been stuck with a bit of writer's block over the past few days and quite honestly I've been so busy I've not been able to post anything. I've had the best weekend, I spent time with my friends, with my new boyfriend (and yes I hate the word more than I should but honestly it sounds so juvenile), I even went to the plot and spent some time with my mom - it really has been a great few days; then why do I feel like utter crap this morning?
I've been riddled with anxiety and just an overall bad mood since I got up and I can't seem to figure out why and how to get out of it. I tried reasoning that he had snapped at me this morning when we woke up but honestly am I that sensitive and if I am can I really look at myself in the mirror with a straight face and not call myself an idiot? After pondering about it just about the whole morning I know that it can't be that, I know that he didn't mean to snap at me and that I'm quite honestly being a 'ninny'.
My best guess is that this is the cause of a bit of overspending this weekend and the fact that my car officially went in for it's 90 000km service today. I don't like sitting without a car and I much less like the feeling that I may have to pay for something (even though I have a service plan). I'm hoping that the real reason hits me during the day and that I can then deal with the obvious anxiety that I'm feeling towards it. It could be about the family drama that's unfolding slowly but surely, but yet again I can't be sure.
Thing is I'm coming up with reasons for my angst but I'm not feeling like anyone of them is the true cause - I suppose I do just have my 'off' days and I have to deal with them as they hit. I do remember waking up last night with a full on panic attack and being able to calm myself down so it definitely has nothing to do with anything that happened this morning - quite possibly it's the fact that I''m officially in a relationship again - I'm scared I lose sight of myself and everything I've worked towards. This guy makes me happier than I've been in a really long time, I suppose I just have my own relationship issues to work on - I've never been all that good when I've been with someone and this is obviously just a branch of me fearing for it's safety.
That is definitely the reason actually, the moment I started typing I felt the weight lift off my chest. I feel like I can breath again. Having him in my life is really so fantastic - I just need to keep in mind who I am and what I want without pushing someone that means so much to me away. Keep repeating the mantra 'Don't be retarded Desre'...
Anyway I generally use these posts to help others and to try and motivate and I apologise that that's not the case today, today I needed to be a bit selfish and sort out my emotions and what was going on in my own head - this will actually quite possibly explain things about me to people that are close to me though so I think in a way it may have helped someone other than me...