17 Aug 2016

Self Realisation

In growing and bettering myself, I am starting to see the need to appreciate my own company. I get far too lonely far too quickly and in all technicality this should not be the case, I should be able to spend time alone without feeling the need to pick up my phone and invite someone over - take this weekend for example, I will have to spend the entire weekend alone because my friends are out of town but deep down I know that from the moment I get home on Friday I will be 1. missing the hell out of them and 2. craving some sort of human connection.

This is a very strange feeling for me, before I moved in with my ex I was able to spend weeks alone holed up in my apartment with nothing but my books and my laptop for company, a person would swear I've lost myself in this whole game they call relationships. But maybe that's the thing, maybe I have lost who I was and it's for a good reason, I was not in a good space in that time - I was not a happy person and whenever I was around people I was not very nice to them.

Am I alone in this? Am I the only person that can't stand spending a night alone? And is this really so wrong? I strive to find these answers and I really come up blank. I tend to consider myself a marginally intelligent person so the fact that this is stumping me, is slightly worrying.

I crave an emotional, intellectual and physical connection with someone - I miss the feeling of the beginning of a relationship, I miss the excitement of not knowing what's to come and I definitely miss waking up next to someone everyday but what I don't miss is the monotony. I don't like the comfort zone couples get into when they have been together for some time. Hell if our relationship has started off with sparks flying and passionate kisses then lets continue that well into our relationship, why must we stop flirting simply because we've been together for over 3 months (or whatever the case may be).

I may be asking a lot here but, am I really? To keep fire and fun alive in a relationship, is that too much hard work? I know I am guilty too but isn't this what self realisation is all about - figuring out what you don't want and not settling for anything less than what it is you do. Call me egotistical but I want a hot guy that looks after himself, I look after myself and I'm working on getting hot (which by the way I'm also okay with in a partner).

This post took a turn and I ended up just speaking my mind but i'm okay with that =P