23 Aug 2016

Scaredy cat?

I've realised today that I'm scared, scared to fall in love, scared to get hurt, scared to let go and jump into something with someone. I am afraid of ending up like I was before - alone and broken. I feel like the moment I hand myself over to someone again as completely as I did with my ex, I'll just wind up getting dropped like before.

My last break up shook me, I was at a point in my life where I was unhappy with who I was so I tried everything in my power to push everyone who came marginally close to me, as far away as possible. I succeeded with the one person who had the ability to make me feel worse than I ever had before, this (I know) was my own doing and it absolutely killed me. I liked to believe that I was not in love with him, that I had the upper hand and that at that point nothing could touch me - I was very much in a selfish space. A year ago I was a completely different person. A year ago I was a horrible person.

I like to think that I've learnt from my mistakes, I am now completely healed and I will be a better person in my next relationship, but what scares the hell out of me - what really gets me running for the hills - maybe I haven't... maybe even after all this soul searching and countless hours of therapy, after being ripped apart and stitching up my wounds without any anesthetic, what if I'm just the same as I always have been in a relationship?

I can only hope that by taking things slowly and moving one step at a time, not pulling a Usain Bolt, I can catch myself before I revert back to that part of myself - fix it before I completely ruin myself for good. The only certainty I do have, is the knowledge that there are people out there that will help me back up, dust me off and show me that there truly is some good in this world and for that I love you guys.