11 May 2016

Mental Capacity for More

I'm a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a mother to my fur kids and an aunt....
This sums me up right? You would think that with all these labels I would be able to tell you with certainty who I am and what I want, but the sad sorry truth is - personally, I don't think I will ever know who I am and if I can actually stick with something till its finished.

I am studying to be a teacher, battling depressing, often anxiety and I'm trying to be nice to people at the same time. I am constantly stressed out - I'm not sure whats going on around me because I'm stressing about 16 other things at once. I have my friends and my family but mostly I end up pushing them away because I have my own things to worry about or I'm too ashamed to be seen for the weak person that I truly am - so I come across as obnoxious and disrespectful (which really is not much better).

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore, I'm not sure who I am and it's driving me mental. I feel like I'm always chasing my tail, never knowing which way to go and the only person I can be nice to is my best friend. I wake up in the morning feeling like I've been hit by a bus, like it's everyone else's fault that I have to get up and be at work by 6:30.

Some days are better than others - today is one of the more horrible days even though I'm off to write an exam in an hour (although this might be the reason for my spiral today). Tomorrow I might find brightness in the world yet again and maybe it will be better - but honestly for now, I just want to go home and be alone on my bed in the dark where no one can see me and where I can be alone.

This person who might actually ruin your day (not on purpose)