In loving memory

For the better half of two weeks I have been trying to write this post... I have had no words though - I've been at a total loss for what to say because everything's changed since my last post. I am not the same person anymore; how can I be after all that's happened in the period of two months, and still I am at a loss for words - so should this come out terribly, do forgive me.

First there was the flood- my entire house covered in mud and gunk, my carpet trashed and my backyard a dam. A car floated into my yard - a tube past my door and everything was in shambles - edenvale is a complete mess and so was my house.

Then there came the damages to my car - R53 000.00 worth of damages from the floods - my car floated into my wall and with that came the insurance rigmarole - Okay, the insurance wasn't so much the problem as the repairers. The panelbeaters that my car was assigned to didn't realise that my car was there so a week after authorisation went through I had to call them only to be asked when I would like to bring my car in (it's  been there for a week asshole!).

Then my world came crumbling down, I got a call on the Wednesday night, my gran's had a heart attack (turns out it was actually a stroke), she was taken to hospital and I was told she was stable for the time being. Thursday night hit and my uncle phoned - my gran had passed. Nothing and no one can fix the pain felt during this time - god I miss you. I went to the funeral in Durban and I wish I could say it was beautiful but you deserved so much more (both in life and death). I am only thankful that you are no longer suffering.

Returned home after a weekend, test results had come back for my grandfather (he was admitted to hospital about 2 weeks before my gran in Durban) he has stage 4 cancer in his lungs.

I say again, I am at a loss for words.

I will pick myself back up though - that's not a maybe, it will happen and with the help of my loving boyfriend and my always faithful friends and family it will go quicker than usual - I'm just not sure which way to go right now. I cry at inappropriate times and I've noticed that my head to mouth filter has gone on vacay.

I go on holiday tomorrow and maybe then things will get easier, maybe then I can sleep easy but until then I really can't say whats going on in my head right now. One day and one step at a time I'll begin to be myself again but having lost such a big part of me, I'm not sure how I'll accomplish that.

In loving memory of Susara Johanna Catharina Eksteen - you will forever be missed.

Clarity

For the first time in months I am seeing everything clearly. It's like I've had an epiphany and I'm noticing everything at once. I've been drifting through this year in full belief that I was fine, that I was alright and that I didn't need my meds - I was so wrong, I feel like I am a part of the world again and that I can take it and anything anyone would like to throw my way. For the first time in months I feel strong again.

I started feeling this way on saturday, I was able to understand what I was being told without over thinking and believing that everyone was out to get me. I can now disagree with people without the need to defend my beliefs and show you why I must be right. I honestly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders - and even though I am only a few days into my meds, I can feel them working already - I am not numb, I am not on autopilot, I love fully and understand deeply and I feel okay again.

This post is mainly for the non-believers, for those people who disagree with the path I have chosen to follow and those who misunderstand my reasoning behind my meds. I have a disease, an illness (I am depressive) but with the use of my medication I can be that person who people know and love - without it, I become a horrible person. I will continue to monitor myself of course as this is only my initial
positive reaction but thus far I feel like I can breathe again, I am okay and I will ensure I remain okay.

Here I am again....

I feel like I've taken a step backwards, last night I took my first anti-depressant again. For the last few weeks I've been feeling myself slipping backwards and I haven't done or said anything about it because I was too afraid to admit that I'm not okay.

I will probably have to start my anti-anxieties again soon too but I'm trying like anything to old on to the fact that I'm not overcome by anxiety again. I know myself though and I don't like who I become when I'm in my state - I'm angry, I'm lashing out and I'm overreacting to the littler things in life again. I am unmotivated, I can't seem to find the motivation needed to do my work, or get up in the mornings. I hate getting up, I hate being this person and I suppose by default I really don't like myself.

If I had to describe who I am, I'm extremely happy, happy as they come, then someone says something to set me off and I hit a rage in 2.5 seconds - then I'll be down, I'll be so unhappy and I won't know why, but something will happen and I'll hit either rage or extreme happiness again in less time than it takes for a normal person to realize
the mood they are in. There is no in between with me lately and I need to find a balance or it will get out of control again.

I am not this person, I refuse to be, so I've taken a step - one I know I needed to take for my and my loved ones' sanity. This also means that I am now numb though, I am anxiety stricken because as my body adjusts it causes anxiety, and I am tired - very very tired.

I've been putting off writing a new post for some time because I had nothing really to day - well here it is, I have had something to say, I just didn't want to hear it. I begin to question if I will ever be okay, I suppose only time will tell.

I'm okay - I don't need you.

Its funny how you can wake up in such a good mood, the morning will go smoothly and then one thing happens and you are floored, done, finished. I can't catch my breath and I can feel I'm on the brink of a full blown panic attack and all I want to do is crawl into a little ball, sob my eyes out and have the world swallow me whole so that none of this pain and nostalgia can be felt,

I feel numb yet at the same time I'm feeling every emotion I felt growing up . I'm out of breath like I've been running, like I held my breath for too long and like I've got the flu. Everything aches, my entire body is tired, my heart is beating up a storm and I'm so close to tears I can taste the sorrow I'm feeling. I'm keeping myself from going further, so I've got that going for me - I can stop my full scale panic attack - I just need to control the rest of me now.

Why are you in my head? Why can I not just get through a day without you in my head? I'm fatigued all the damn time because I'm fighting you off - I'm fighting off my memories of you and I'm fighting you all the time. Why can I not let go???

I need to forgive you, for my own sanity and for the sake of those around me... but (and I suppose this is exactly why I can't let go, because there is always a but) if I forgive you, I'm afraid I forget the pain you put me through and try, like an idiot, to fix things again and I cannot do that to myself.

I just need to not be so angry at you all the time - I continue to work on my happiness and my freedom from you and who you are.

The lump in my throat grows with every passing second making it harder and harder for me to breath but I can hold it there, I can and will keep myself from breaking all together, no matter the pain, no matter the thoughts - I can not let you control me any longer, you may not have that power any longer. You may not be a part f my life and I will not try to involve you in it anymore - I don't need you.

I'm tired now, emotionally drained and all I really want to do is to take a nap but alas I am at work.

I'm okay - I don't need you.