I will be okay, I always am

When I ponder upon my depression and anxious feelings, I'm filled with a deep shame. A shame that I've heard people refer to but never admitted that this, in fact, was my life too. Putting into words the feelings of dread when I think about how terribly erratic my moods have been, how uncensored my words have been, how I've put down those around me to make myself start to feel okay. 

I've never understood the bullies who treated others badly for their own well-being, I've never believed that I could become that person. Yet for the second time in a five-year period, I've had to relook at who I am and what I'm doing. I've had to turn the tables and ask myself pertinent questions - Who do I WANT to be? WHERE do I want to be? What is my unconscious self doing when I'm not living and practicing mindfulness?

My go-to reaction seems to be anger, resentment, and irritation, I see this and I acknowledge this. It's the undying shame of who I was, who I am, and what I will become that mortifies me, terrifies me, and eats me alive. I'm stuck in a loop of, what have you done-don't say that-what have you done?

I feel like I live a fairly 'cushy' existence, I work from home (when I want to), I get to spend unlimited amounts of time with my awesome pets (who drive me nuts but keep me sane), and I'm able to study and finish my degree (a feat I know others would give limbs for). Yet when it comes down to it, I feel like an isolated spoilt brat, I'm never satisfied (not by choice), I never want to DO anything and when I do I somehow expect appraisals and all the rest. 

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step- although, I think I've admitted this plenty of times, people who know me, know that there are some things I just can't voice, some things that get stuck in the back of my throat like breathing in a lozenge, and the shame that goes along with the depressive and anxious feelings, is what keeps me breathing that lozenge back in, whenever I have managed to dislodge it from my throat. 

I need to heal, I want to heal... I want to stop feeling the shame of sickness that I didn't ask for, that I didn't ever want but that I now have. I am trying to be better, I have a routine that I'm trying my utmost to stick to, hubby and I are moving closer to my fam-dam and I can't help but feel things will only get better there. The frequency of seeing some friends and most of all my momma will bring me back to earth and I will be okay, I always am.