*Disclaimer, possible triggers in here and I apologize in advance to my friends and family who don't know my language use like this, but I'm sure you'll understand.
Dear Dad,
I thought about sending this to you in some way, but you probably wouldn't give half a fuck, that is until you're drunk and you think you can still verbally abuse me over the phone (if I allow it.) But let's be honest, this is for me, not for you.
It's been a while hasn't it? As far as I remember you still tried lecturing me on the dangers of weed while drunk off your ass (I won't even go into the irony there because it would probably just go straight over your head.) In case you're wondering, I'm doing alright, apart from the depression, anxiety, panic attacks and triggers, I'm doing just dandy.
I used to think I was crazy, I used to think I was alone in the world, but mental health awareness is getting stronger daily, and I realize now that I am just ill. I have an illness, and I'm working everyday to heal myself from the hurt, from the neglect (yes you neglected me), from the abuse.
Did you know that I sought a father figure in every man because I thought that was what was missing from my life, if I had guidance from a father figure I wouldn't be so miserable, irritable and aggressive? Did you know I used to be ashamed of the anger that boiled up inside me every time someone would mention you in my company? Did you know that I don't anymore?
You see it hit me like a ton of brick this morning that you,you fucking monster, did not only physically and emotionally abuse my mother, you manipulated my brothers and I until you could no longer, you used your booming voice, your eyes and the threat of hidings from the one woman that nurtured us - you emotionally abused us... You are my abuser, and for a long time I was your victim. No longer.
I recognize the trauma you put me through, making me believe that my childish mistakes (from your child no less), somehow made me a bad person, making me feel inferior because you yourself felt inferior. You never have and never will recognize the despicable beast that lives beneath your surface, you will never acknowledge that you are the beast and deal with your own emotional trauma. And a while back I realized I could push back - you made three young children and one abused woman quake with fear, do you feel strong? So your calls are no longer answered by me, neither will I wish you a happy anything, I don't believe you deserve happiness, but I'll just let the universe take care of you.
I have forgiven your actions, I have forgiven the fucked up bullshit you put me through, but I am still reeling from the flinging tables, the animal abuse, the emotional abuse and your own , the screaming matches and drunken parties. My conditioning is something I'm still unlearning and day by day I'm getting better. I have my good and bad days but mostly you don't factor into my conscious choices.
I am a survivor of your abuse, my mother is a survivor, the only victim now is you.
Good Luck, and good bye.
