Dear Oupa

Okay so here goes...

My heart is beating out of my chest, but I have to write this now, or I probably never will.

Dear Oupa,

It's taken me a while to write this down and actually express what I feel about losing you - I guess I haven't been able to because it was too soon after Ouma, I was still reeling from the emotional roller coaster I'd been on, when we lost you too... I have been speechless since.

There are many different excuses I can pull out for the reasons why I never actually got to know you, for the reasons why I didn't spend more time with you, for the reasons that I haven't been able to write anything about you, but none of them matter, and none of them ever will again; no matter what I say now, here, I will never be able to get back precious moments that I took for granted.

I'm writing this now because I stumbled across a photo on Facebook of you, it was a picture that was posted years ago, you look so young, so full of life; one thing that will stick with me forever is that you were always laughing, always making comments, always being as sarcastic as before - its hard to picture a world where I won't ever get to hear about loeries and their ostrich sized eggs, its hard to picture a world where I won't ever hear you chatting to the birds as you fed them, it's hard to picture a world without you.

But I guess I have to, I can just be happy that you're not in anymore pain, that you are no longer scared and that you can now see how much we all love and adore you.

I love you Oupa and are missed every single day...

I am not my anxiety.

I hate my anxiety. I hate who it is and what it wants. I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how it makes me act. I hate my anxiety.

There are many people who don't understand my illness, so let me be your informant.

My anxiety is greedy, irrational and confrontational, it takes what it wants leaving nothing behind except the ruins of my friends and family should they reach the wrong end of it. My anxiety is angry, it is exceptionally pissed off, it is the sleeping beast I try not to wake. My anxiety is uncontrollable; I cannot stress this enough actually, my anxiety has a mind of its own.

My anxiety attacks me, when I least expect it and when I've got my back turned to it, it is not always a loud elephant galloping through the wilderness, no, it can be a sneaky cat that treads softly and eats me alive. When my anxiety hits, IT is in control, I have left the building - I am hiding in the dark recesses of my mind waiting for it to decide it's had enough and goes back to sleep. Its then, and only then, that I get to take the reigns again.

When my anxiety attacks, it's not always throat closing, unable to breath, choking and shaking uncontrollably - although it can be; it's sometimes a little more vile, that even I don't know it's taken over till it's too late. My anxiety can present itself in many different ways, for those that have never encountered this (or think they haven't), anxiety is actually a lot like the flu, it can come in many different shapes and sizes. My anxiety can come out as anger, dead space staring or 'ants in my pants'. My anxiety can take me from extreme happiness to extreme irritation in a matter of seconds.

I get heart palpitations when people don't text back, when I have to leave the office (I really don't understand that one), those milliseconds before the other person picks up the call (I never used to be able to make calls), when I'm driving, when I'm waiting on any kinds of results. I get angry when I'm greeted in the morning and I'm unable to speak to people because I know my anxiety is in full control - if I do say anything, I'm generally not the nicest.

I hate it when I've had an 'episode'. I hate it when my anxiety has taken over from me, because while everyone else thinks I've just been angry and need a bit of time, it's much, much more than that. When my anxiety has taken over from me and I am 'coming down', I start to feel terrible, I feel like the worst person around because I've probably said some things that weren't meant to be said and then because I have anxiety it starts eating away at me. That's the fun part they don't tell you about this illness, you know you are screwing up, you know that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing but you can't stop and you don't understand why.

My anxiety does not define me. I am me, living with anxiety. My anxiety is not who I am but rather who I don't want to be. I have never experienced as much self hate as I have when thinking about my anxiety, I don't want this I am not this and I don't have a say - at all.

So the next time when someone close to you explains why you probably shouldn't say stuff like "Just Relax Man" please rather take a listen - it's not something that's easily controlled (or even spoken about) but if everyone steps in and holds their end of the deal, it makes it a little easier on people like us.

Depression in my brain

I think there are many of us twenty-somethings just getting into a new relationship and not yet sure of how to bring up the big scary D word! We know it's there, we've probably given them snippets of it and they've told us it's not something they believe in or they've said that we're making a bigger deal out of something than it is (Yes I will punch you in the face with any of these). 

I'm thinking, I'll direct this post to those misinformed people who really want to understand but can't seem to get much out of their loved ones because (and this is a huge one that many people don't know about) they don't know they're hurting you. 

Yes, strange as it is and hard as it is to believe, often the depressed person doesn't know that they've hurt you - the snarky comment across the dinner table, how do they not know they're doing THAT?? I honestly don't have answer for you, all I can tell you, from someone who's been through this, is that as a depressive person, you are blind to damage you cause. I remember being angry, sad and mostly I felt like the victim, 'How could you say I'm being ugly to you when you were being mean to ME?'

"Clinical depression, also known as major depression, is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. Clinical depression affects the way you eat and sleep. It affects the way you feel about yourself and those around you. It even affects your thoughts." 
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/untreated-depression-effects#1

I think that depression is more easily explained by someone who has been through it all and managed to come out the other end marginally unscathed, the problem with this for me, is that because it's more easily explained by someone thats recovered, it makes it's almost harder for your s/o to understand because "They're Fine, What's with you?" and unless YOU sit them down and explain to them that it's different for each person and the pain they cause when they say these things could really be curbed by a bit of understanding and a lot of empathy.

Feel free to leave comments in the comments section regarding your mental illness or just some insight into your life. Otherwise email us at content.reflections@gmail.com and we could post your story!

If you, or someone you know, may be clinically depressed, suffer from anxiety or any other mental illness, please consult your doctor as soon as possible.

Please see external links below if you would like to increase your understanding of this illness.
I have not obtained permission and should I overstep any copyright material please do inform me and I will have it taken down :).

https://themighty.com/2017/06/to-those-who-hide-their-mental-illness/
https://themighty.com/2017/06/my-tears-are-not-a-sign-of-weakness/
https://themighty.com/2017/05/why-you-should-start-a-conversation-about-mental-health/

Content Reflections

Desre's Bubble is now Content Reflections.... 

It was time for a change of pace and honestly a new look. I am expanding and recreating the original idea of my blog - it started out as a way for me to express myself and when I was told that my ideas and my expressions were helping people cope with everyday things, it was suggested to me that I collaborate with a friend to get more insights. 

Having given this a lot of thought I have decided to include a few people in my blog so that more thoughts could be added to my collection, because I'm not the only one living with depression, I am not the only person living with anxiety and everyone has their own coping methods and ways of learning to understand themselves. 

This being said, I open the floor to everyone else who would like to be featured in my blog, anyone out there with thoughts about what it's like to live with anxiety or simply what it's like living at all! Life has it's crazy up and down moments and sometimes we need to tell others how we feel but are unable to because your tongue has a way of getting twisted when you try to speak or you have a giant frog in your throat and literally can't - believe me this works just as well. 

So email me a sample of what you would put on the blog, I won't make you an author immediately but I will make sure to give you feedback and/or publish it under your name (or anonymous if you so please). 

content.reflections@gmail.com 

Get those creative juices flowing lovelies :)