I will be okay, I always am

When I ponder upon my depression and anxious feelings, I'm filled with a deep shame. A shame that I've heard people refer to but never admitted that this, in fact, was my life too. Putting into words the feelings of dread when I think about how terribly erratic my moods have been, how uncensored my words have been, how I've put down those around me to make myself start to feel okay. 

I've never understood the bullies who treated others badly for their own well-being, I've never believed that I could become that person. Yet for the second time in a five-year period, I've had to relook at who I am and what I'm doing. I've had to turn the tables and ask myself pertinent questions - Who do I WANT to be? WHERE do I want to be? What is my unconscious self doing when I'm not living and practicing mindfulness?

My go-to reaction seems to be anger, resentment, and irritation, I see this and I acknowledge this. It's the undying shame of who I was, who I am, and what I will become that mortifies me, terrifies me, and eats me alive. I'm stuck in a loop of, what have you done-don't say that-what have you done?

I feel like I live a fairly 'cushy' existence, I work from home (when I want to), I get to spend unlimited amounts of time with my awesome pets (who drive me nuts but keep me sane), and I'm able to study and finish my degree (a feat I know others would give limbs for). Yet when it comes down to it, I feel like an isolated spoilt brat, I'm never satisfied (not by choice), I never want to DO anything and when I do I somehow expect appraisals and all the rest. 

I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step- although, I think I've admitted this plenty of times, people who know me, know that there are some things I just can't voice, some things that get stuck in the back of my throat like breathing in a lozenge, and the shame that goes along with the depressive and anxious feelings, is what keeps me breathing that lozenge back in, whenever I have managed to dislodge it from my throat. 

I need to heal, I want to heal... I want to stop feeling the shame of sickness that I didn't ask for, that I didn't ever want but that I now have. I am trying to be better, I have a routine that I'm trying my utmost to stick to, hubby and I are moving closer to my fam-dam and I can't help but feel things will only get better there. The frequency of seeing some friends and most of all my momma will bring me back to earth and I will be okay, I always am.

Dear Dad (explicit content)

*Disclaimer, possible triggers in here and I apologize in advance to my friends and family who don't know my language use like this, but I'm sure you'll understand. 

Dear Dad,

I thought about sending this to you in some way, but you probably wouldn't give half a fuck, that is until you're drunk and you think you can still verbally abuse me over the phone (if I allow it.) But let's be honest, this is for me, not for you.

It's been a while hasn't it? As far as I remember you still tried lecturing me on the dangers of weed while drunk off your ass (I won't even go into the irony there because it would probably just go straight over your head.) In case you're wondering, I'm doing alright, apart from the depression, anxiety, panic attacks and triggers, I'm doing just dandy.

I used to think I was crazy, I used to think I was alone in the world, but mental health awareness is getting stronger daily, and I realize now that I am just ill. I have an illness, and I'm working everyday to heal myself from the hurt, from the neglect (yes you neglected me), from the abuse.

Did you know that I sought a father figure in every man because I thought that was what was missing from my life, if I had guidance from a father figure I wouldn't be so miserable, irritable and aggressive? Did you know I used to be ashamed of the anger that boiled up inside me every time someone would mention you in my company? Did you know that I don't anymore?

You see it hit me like a ton of brick this morning that you,you fucking monster, did not only physically and emotionally abuse my mother, you manipulated my brothers and I until you could no longer, you used your booming voice, your eyes and the threat of hidings from the one woman that nurtured us - you emotionally abused us... You are my abuser, and for a long time I was your victim. No longer.

I recognize the trauma you put me through, making me believe that my childish mistakes (from your child no less), somehow made me a bad person, making me feel inferior because you yourself felt inferior. You never have and never will recognize the despicable beast that lives beneath your surface, you will never acknowledge that you are the beast and deal with your own emotional trauma. And a while back I realized I could push back - you made three young children and one abused woman quake with fear, do you feel strong? So your calls are no longer answered by me, neither will I wish you a happy anything, I don't believe you deserve happiness, but I'll just let the universe take care of you.

I have forgiven your actions, I have forgiven the fucked up bullshit you put me through, but I am still reeling from the flinging tables, the animal abuse, the emotional abuse and your own , the screaming matches and drunken parties. My conditioning is something I'm still unlearning and day by day I'm getting better. I have my good and bad days but mostly you don't factor into my conscious choices. 

I am a survivor of your abuse, my mother is a survivor, the only victim now is you.

Good Luck, and good bye.

My Recovery is On-Going

I've been going through a really tough time recently attempting to get my emotional reactions in order - You see I am an emotional wreck 99.9% of the time (even when it seems like I'm not) and I end to over-react to the little things. I somehow manage to convince myself that a disagreement of my views from someone means that they just don't like me... Welcome to my anxious brain.

So I've started to use the most brilliant app to track my moods and emotions and while I thought I could feel it working within the second day, I see now that it has been working, just not in the way I expected or knew of. Youper is an AI tool that helps monitor where my anxiety and depression is at and helps me centre back to the person I'm meant to be, in weeks I haven't felt this calm and content but because Youper is helping me restructure and recreate thought patterns I am able to see and think clearly. 

For the first time in a year I am able to get back on my blog and think clearly about what it is I want to say, I'm back... recovery is an on-going journey!

When I can....

I'll never understand the reasons people have for judging others who have admitted that they can't do something or they have bitten off more than the can chew. If I am explaining to you my inability to do something, it's not because I'm just giving up, it's not because I think I'm better than you and it's certainly not so that you can tell me, "Ag, you can man!! You just need to put your mind to it." If I'm explaining to you that I can't do something, its for the reason that at this moment in time I CANNOT HANDLE IT!

I am someone with a lot on my plate, a lot more than I can chew... So I'm scaling down, as much as possible I am removing obstacles from my path and I am setting myself free, from this constant guilt that I've been carrying around. Guilt about my inability to handle my workload, my social life (which has now I think evaporated into thin air because I can never make social events), my inactivity as a friend, my inability to be friendly to my partner on most days because my head is so full of guilt about other things... and the list goes on and on and on.

I truly feel like I am living through a mental break down, it may not be whats truly happening to me at this point in time and I've never had one so I really am just going on instinct here, but that's the only way I have to describe it.

I am constantly anxious, to the point where I get headache from clenching on my teeth, I am shaking all the time, I can't regulate my temperature, my hands and feet are sweaty, I wake up coughing and gasping for air almost every morning around 3/4, I can't sleep (anyone who knows me can attest that this is HUGE deal to me). When I do sleep I'm plagued by strange dreams that don't allow me any rest, and then I wake up periodically. My throat just closes on me, which is a painful experience on its own... these are just the "major" issues..

My Phoenix Tattoo is my Daily Reminder

It's been so long since I felt truly relaxed that I don't think I would recognize the feeling.

So I am empowering myself by not forcing me to do anything that I feel I cannot complete or cannot do. I am empowering me by making time for myself, I am HEALING me for MY benefit and unfortunately for those people that don't understand this, that don't understand me, I am focusing on me again.....

I will rise again though, I will get better and I will keep moving mountains - when I can (this has become my answer for most things) - because I'm teaching myself how to set limits, how to say NO and how to stop feeling guilty for the world's problems with me. It's okay to be not okay for a while, its okay to find your strength while others think you're weak and it's okay to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix and show those that thought you were weak, never to underestimate someone who has made time for themselves.