15 Sep 2017

When I can....

I'll never understand the reasons people have for judging others who have admitted that they can't do something or they have bitten off more than the can chew. If I am explaining to you my inability to do something, it's not because I'm just giving up, it's not because I think I'm better than you and it's certainly not so that you can tell me, "Ag, you can man!! You just need to put your mind to it." If I'm explaining to you that I can't do something, its for the reason that at this moment in time I CANNOT HANDLE IT!

I am someone with a lot on my plate, a lot more than I can chew... So I'm scaling down, as much as possible I am removing obstacles from my path and I am setting myself free, from this constant guilt that I've been carrying around. Guilt about my inability to handle my workload, my social life (which has now I think evaporated into thin air because I can never make social events), my inactivity as a friend, my inability to be friendly to my partner on most days because my head is so full of guilt about other things... and the list goes on and on and on.

I truly feel like I am living through a mental break down, it may not be whats truly happening to me at this point in time and I've never had one so I really am just going on instinct here, but that's the only way I have to describe it.

I am constantly anxious, to the point where I get headache from clenching on my teeth, I am shaking all the time, I can't regulate my temperature, my hands and feet are sweaty, I wake up coughing and gasping for air almost every morning around 3/4, I can't sleep (anyone who knows me can attest that this is HUGE deal to me). When I do sleep I'm plagued by strange dreams that don't allow me any rest, and then I wake up periodically. My throat just closes on me, which is a painful experience on its own... these are just the "major" issues..

It's been so long since I felt truly relaxed that I don't think I would recognize the feeling.

So I am empowering myself by not forcing me to do anything that I feel I cannot complete or cannot do. I am empowering me by making time for myself, I am HEALING me for MY benefit and unfortunately for those people that don't understand this, that don't understand me, I am focusing on me again.....

I will rise again though, I will get better and I will keep moving mountains - when I can (this has become my answer for most things) - because I'm teaching myself how to set limits, how to say NO and how to stop feeling guilty for the world's problems with me. It's okay to be not okay for a while, its okay to find your strength while others think you're weak and it's okay to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix and show those that thought you were weak, never to underestimate someone who has made time for themselves.

My Phoenix Tattoo is my Daily Reminder